Tensions between North Korea and the United States reached an all-time high last week, with reports that North Korea had threatened the United States with a nuclear attack on U.S. soil.
“Intercontinental ballistic missiles and various other missiles, which have already set their striking targets, are now armed with lighter, smaller and diversified nuclear warheads and are placed on a standby status,” said North Korean Army General Kang Pyo Yong at a rally in Pyongyang. “When we shell Washington, which is the stronghold of evils, they will be engulfed in a sea of fire.”
Although White House Spokesman Jay Carney dismissed the credibility of the threat, sources in the White House indicate that the Obama administration is well aware of the reasoning behind the threat: President Obama’s reported efforts to create a worldwide treaty barring the elbow rule in all levels of beer pong competition.
As one source close to the President, a self-proclaimed professional beer pong player, explained, “How can North Korea enforce an elbow rule, when they can’t even provide their citizens with electricity or running water? There’s no merit to this threat.”
The threat of nuclear holocaust comes on the heels of former NBA great and admitted cross-dresser Dennis Rodman’s recent trip to North Korea.
“Kim Jong Un is my boy, no doubt,” Rodman said. “I know he wants to work something out with Barack, but that fool is tripping if he thinks Barack gonna back off the elbow rule.”
President Barack Obama, who during his 2008 presidential campaign was very adamant against the establishment of a national elbow rule in the United States, was attending a jobs rally in Boulder, Colorado and could not be reached for comment. He did, however, release the following statement through his press secretary:
“As I stated in 2009, the elbow rule was, and still is, for pussies,” according to the written statement. “The only thing worse than being a communist is being a communist that plays with the elbow rule. Fuck all that.”
Even former GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney came to the defense of President Obama and the worldwide abolishment of the elbow rule.
“Barack and I disagreed on a lot during our campaign, and he’s still a lying son of a bitch, but he’s right about the elbow rule,” Romney said. “What these people in North Korea need are basic human rights: Food, water, shelter, not a damn elbow rule.”
In a state-issued news release, Kim Jung Un said the following:
“우리가 북한의 팔꿈치 규칙을 폐지하기 전에 우리는 미국을 공격합니다. 맥주 테이블은 테이블을 가로 질러 기대하고 이것은 맥주 테이블이라는 인치 공을 떨어 포함되지 덩크 테이블을 닫은하지 않는 기술의 게임이다.”
Loosely translated from Korean, the statement reads, “We will attack the United States before we abolish the elbow rule in North Korea. Beer pong is a game of skill, which doesn’t involve leaning halfway across the table and dropping the ball in. Elbows, man!”
This story is still developing.