Category Archives: Parody

korean-elbow-rule

North Korea threatens nuclear attack over the elbow rule

Tensions between North Korea and the United States reached an all-time high last week, with reports that North Korea had threatened the United States with a nuclear attack on U.S. soil.

“Intercontinental ballistic missiles and various other missiles, which have already set their striking targets, are now armed with lighter, smaller and diversified nuclear warheads and are placed on a standby status,” said North Korean Army General Kang Pyo Yong at a rally in Pyongyang. “When we shell Washington, which is the stronghold of evils, they will be engulfed in a sea of fire.”

Although White House Spokesman Jay Carney dismissed the credibility of the threat, sources in the White House indicate that the Obama administration is well aware of the reasoning behind the threat: President Obama’s reported efforts to create a worldwide treaty barring the elbow rule in all levels of beer pong competition.

As one source close to the President, a self-proclaimed professional beer pong player, explained, “How can North Korea enforce an elbow rule, when they can’t even provide their citizens with electricity or running water? There’s no merit to this threat.”

The threat of nuclear holocaust comes on the heels of former NBA great and admitted cross-dresser Dennis Rodman’s recent trip to North Korea.

“Kim Jong Un is my boy, no doubt,” Rodman said. “I know he wants to work something out with Barack, but that fool is tripping if he thinks Barack gonna back off the elbow rule.”

President Barack Obama, who during his 2008 presidential campaign was very adamant against the establishment of a national elbow rule in the United States, was attending a jobs rally in Boulder, Colorado and could not be reached for comment. He did, however, release the following statement through his press secretary:

“As I stated in 2009, the elbow rule was, and still is, for pussies,” according to the written statement. “The only thing worse than being a communist is being a communist that plays with the elbow rule. Fuck all that.”

Even former GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney came to the defense of President Obama and the worldwide abolishment of the elbow rule.

“Barack and I disagreed on a lot during our campaign, and he’s still a lying son of a bitch, but he’s right about the elbow rule,” Romney said. “What these people in North Korea need are basic human rights: Food, water, shelter, not a damn elbow rule.”

In a state-issued news release, Kim Jung Un said the following:

“우리가 북한의 팔꿈치 규칙을 폐지하기 전에 우리는 미국을 공격합니다. 맥주 테이블은 테이블을 가로 질러 기대하고 이것은 맥주 테이블이라는 인치 공을 떨어 포함되지 덩크 테이블을 닫은하지 않는 기술의 게임이다.”

Loosely translated from Korean, the statement reads, “We will attack the United States before we abolish the elbow rule in North Korea. Beer pong is a game of skill, which doesn’t involve leaning halfway across the table and dropping the ball in. Elbows, man!”

This story is still developing.

In the meantime, buy a beer pong table, and see how far you can lean to show North Korea what’s up.








flacco

Become Beer Pong’s Joe Flacco

Chances are, if you are alive and breathing right now, you probably watched a few minutes of this year’s Super Bowl. In case you missed it, the Baltimore Ravens beat the San Francisco 49ers, 34-31.

The MVP of the Super Bowl was none other than the embattled Ravens Quarterback Joe Flacco, one of the most polarizing sports figures in Baltimore history. Flacco had a record-tying postseason, throwing 11 touchdowns to zero interceptions, tying the great Joe Montana. Flacco followed up that performance this week by signing a $120.6 contract extension, the richest in NFL history.

Most people will say he doesn’t deserve it. They will look at his regular season stats and fantasy projections and dismiss him as average or above-average. He’s got a unibrow and is awkward and goofy on camera. He is usually quiet and reserved.

All he does is win games.

I’m about to take the “is beer pong a sport” to a whole new level. But at the end of the day, being a great quarterback is a lot like being a great beer pong player.

Bring up the topic of rankings and you will get a vicious debate no matter what the subject. What’s the best album? What’s the best movie? What’s the best food? Who’s the best quarterback? And my favorite: Who’s the best beer pong player?

Let’s take a look at some of the things that make a beer pong player (and quarterback) great:

 

  1. Talent

A pong player has to have some kind of talent. Some people are naturals and need little to no practice at all. Some need to work harder at it, but with a certain amount of practice can shoot just as consistently as others. In comparison, a quarterback in the NFL needs to have the ability as well. Quickness, arm strength, quick decision making, etc.

 

  1. Stats

Too many players are judged solely on stats. Sure, stats are important, but they aren’t the most important. On Day 3 of the World Series of Beer Pong, your 12 satellite victories don’t matter. In the NFL, your regular season passing records don’t matter. The most important stat is wins, not your shooting percentage.

 

  1. Chemistry

On the football field, the quarterback needs to have chemistry with his offensive teammates. The offensive line needs to be in sync, the receivers need to be on the same page, and the running back needs to get involved. Knowing where and when to throw the ball is the same as knowing when to take the third shot and who takes the rebuttal. A great player speaks up for the shot when he’s feeling it, and knows when to pass it off when he’s not.

 

  1. Focus

A great beer pong player can silence his opponent by staying focused on his shot. Trash talk and distractions rarely affect top players. In the NFL, a great quarterback drowns out the 12th man.

 

  1. Character

Great beer pong players and great quarterback have all the intangibles. The great ones know how to step it up for big shots and in big tournaments, just like a great quarterback knows how to win the game with two minutes left and the length of the field to drive. Great players feed off the intensity of the crowd and the magnitude of the game. Great players don’t throw their partners under the bus after poor shooting, or place the blame on the wide receiver that dropped the big pass.

 

Is there a magic formula that makes a great beer pong player? No. For now, the big money in beer pong comes from playing with someone else. No one is writing checks for $50,000 or $100,000 for singles players. You need a teammate and you need to play like a team. The two most talented players don’t win every time. Teams with character win championships and go far into tournaments. Beer pong is more than how many hundos you shot.

Has Joe Flacco ever played beer pong? I’m not sure, but I bet he’d be pretty damn good.










pope

Beer Pong Brawl Leads to Pope’s Resignation

The religious world was shocked weeks ago with the retirement announcement of Pope Benedict XVI. With Pope Benedict’s resignation effective as of last week, details are slowly emerging regarding his unlikely reasoning for stepping down.

Pope Benedict, the 265th pope, announced his retirement on February 11, 2013, ending his almost eight-year run as the leader of the Catholic Church. Born Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger in 1927, the 85-year-old cited a “lack of strength and body” for his decision to abdicate. Sources close to Pope Benedict, however, paint a different picture.

“Everyone thinks we are all so uptight and straight edge in the church,” said one cardinal, who requested to remain anonymous, “but we all have our things. The Pope’s is beer pong. He can’t get enough of it.”

According to the source, things became heated at a recent Vatican City charity tournament. Pope Benedict, known in religious circles for his fierce competitiveness, attacked his opponent after an incident in the loser’s bracket final tournament match. After hitting the final cup and repeatedly yelling “centum” (“hundo” in Latin) at his opponent, the retiring pope was pushed from behind by an unnamed bishop, causing a brawl and cancelling the remainder of the tournament.

“Pope Benedict is doing well and is currently enjoying his remaining years at the Mater Ecclesiae monastery,” said Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Federico Lombardi, declining to comment further.

One of the leading candidates to succeed Pope Benedict, Canadian Cardinal Marc Ouellet, described Pope Benedict as a heavy-drinker with a mean streak.

“When he first took over in 2005, everyone wanted to play with him. I mean, why not, he’s the fucking Pope!” said Ouellet. “But he was always so cocky, threatening to send people to hell if they beat him. It got old quick. Once he changed Pope John Paul II’s old house rules, people started counting down the days until he was out of here.

Pope Benedict XVI, who was reached while vacationing in his native Germany, seemed eager to move on.

“Good riddance, I couldn’t wait to get out of there,” Pope Benedict said. “There is some weird shit that goes on inside, you don’t even want to know.”

Despite being in the twilight years of his accomplished life, Pope Benedict shows no signs of slowing down.

“I’m thinking of flying out to Vegas for that $100,000 tournament this summer,” the pope said. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a cash game around here with this hat and robe on all time?”

Attempts to reach God for comment were unsuccessful, although he does answer in mysterious ways.