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Beer Pong Brawl Leads to Pope’s Resignation

The religious world was shocked weeks ago with the retirement announcement of Pope Benedict XVI. With Pope Benedict’s resignation effective as of last week, details are slowly emerging regarding his unlikely reasoning for stepping down.

Pope Benedict, the 265th pope, announced his retirement on February 11, 2013, ending his almost eight-year run as the leader of the Catholic Church. Born Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger in 1927, the 85-year-old cited a “lack of strength and body” for his decision to abdicate. Sources close to Pope Benedict, however, paint a different picture.

“Everyone thinks we are all so uptight and straight edge in the church,” said one cardinal, who requested to remain anonymous, “but we all have our things. The Pope’s is beer pong. He can’t get enough of it.”

According to the source, things became heated at a recent Vatican City charity tournament. Pope Benedict, known in religious circles for his fierce competitiveness, attacked his opponent after an incident in the loser’s bracket final tournament match. After hitting the final cup and repeatedly yelling “centum” (“hundo” in Latin) at his opponent, the retiring pope was pushed from behind by an unnamed bishop, causing a brawl and cancelling the remainder of the tournament.

“Pope Benedict is doing well and is currently enjoying his remaining years at the Mater Ecclesiae monastery,” said Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Federico Lombardi, declining to comment further.

One of the leading candidates to succeed Pope Benedict, Canadian Cardinal Marc Ouellet, described Pope Benedict as a heavy-drinker with a mean streak.

“When he first took over in 2005, everyone wanted to play with him. I mean, why not, he’s the fucking Pope!” said Ouellet. “But he was always so cocky, threatening to send people to hell if they beat him. It got old quick. Once he changed Pope John Paul II’s old house rules, people started counting down the days until he was out of here.

Pope Benedict XVI, who was reached while vacationing in his native Germany, seemed eager to move on.

“Good riddance, I couldn’t wait to get out of there,” Pope Benedict said. “There is some weird shit that goes on inside, you don’t even want to know.”

Despite being in the twilight years of his accomplished life, Pope Benedict shows no signs of slowing down.

“I’m thinking of flying out to Vegas for that $100,000 tournament this summer,” the pope said. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a cash game around here with this hat and robe on all time?”

Attempts to reach God for comment were unsuccessful, although he does answer in mysterious ways.










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Beer pong, pool parties and $100,000? Yes please.

I’ve been to Las Vegas almost a dozen times now. More than half of those times I’ve made that trek it has been to attend the World Series of Beer Pong. Don’t get me wrong, it’s always a great time. As the December days pass and New Year’s Day approaches, I get more and more excited for five days of heartache and punishing my body.

Las Vegas is, at least to me, starting to lose a little bit of its luster. This may be more common for West Coast players or those in or near Vegas, but unheard of for most East Coast residents. I usually look at the WSOBP as a business trip. I know I will have fun, but I also know it’s going to be all about beer pong, all of the time. I still have that mindset even though I know I have only the slightest chances of winning. For the elite guys who are expecting to legitimately win, it’s probably even worse. I used to tell my fellow players considering trips out there not to bring their girlfriends. There just isn’t much time to be a “tourist” in Vegas. If you still have energy at the end of Day 1, you’re doing it wrong. Or you’re just a lot younger than I am.

I’ve never been to Las Vegas in the summertime. I’m almost always there in the winter, or early in the spring. If I do manage to leave the casino and walk the strip, it’s usually cold as shit outside. I see the pictures of Las Vegas online with the pool bars and girls in bikinis, and I think to myself, why can’t they have the World Series of Beer Pong in July? Flights are cheaper, the weather is nicer, and a lot of us have vacation time to spare.

Well, BPONG did us one better with the first ever Masters of Beer Pong™ tournament. You can’t even be disappointed that they are not offering the same prize pool as the World Series of Beer Pong since they just went ahead and bumped it up to a cool $100,000. Not to mention, the whole thing is taking place at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. Not a bad way to spend the Fourth of July, huh?

Years back, there was a Summer Beer Pong Cup that was held in Negril, Jamaica for two glorious years. Due to a variety of reasons that I am not at liberty to discuss, the event was cancelled after its second year. I only went that second year, but it was some of the most fun I ever had playing beer pong, and the beer pong was the smallest part of what made it a great time. I was really hoping BPONG would do something like this somewhere down the line.

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While all the week’s events have yet to be announced, from the sounds of things it sounds like it’s going to be an awesome time. Since we all have to put up with guys like Ron Hamilton taking their shirts off, why not have it be poolside in Vegas? See you guys in July!

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