The religious world was shocked weeks ago with the retirement announcement of Pope Benedict XVI. With Pope Benedict’s resignation effective as of last week, details are slowly emerging regarding his unlikely reasoning for stepping down.
Pope Benedict, the 265th pope, announced his retirement on February 11, 2013, ending his almost eight-year run as the leader of the Catholic Church. Born Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger in 1927, the 85-year-old cited a “lack of strength and body” for his decision to abdicate. Sources close to Pope Benedict, however, paint a different picture.
“Everyone thinks we are all so uptight and straight edge in the church,” said one cardinal, who requested to remain anonymous, “but we all have our things. The Pope’s is beer pong. He can’t get enough of it.”
According to the source, things became heated at a recent Vatican City charity tournament. Pope Benedict, known in religious circles for his fierce competitiveness, attacked his opponent after an incident in the loser’s bracket final tournament match. After hitting the final cup and repeatedly yelling “centum” (“hundo” in Latin) at his opponent, the retiring pope was pushed from behind by an unnamed bishop, causing a brawl and cancelling the remainder of the tournament.
“Pope Benedict is doing well and is currently enjoying his remaining years at the Mater Ecclesiae monastery,” said Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Federico Lombardi, declining to comment further.
One of the leading candidates to succeed Pope Benedict, Canadian Cardinal Marc Ouellet, described Pope Benedict as a heavy-drinker with a mean streak.
“When he first took over in 2005, everyone wanted to play with him. I mean, why not, he’s the fucking Pope!” said Ouellet. “But he was always so cocky, threatening to send people to hell if they beat him. It got old quick. Once he changed Pope John Paul II’s old house rules, people started counting down the days until he was out of here.
Pope Benedict XVI, who was reached while vacationing in his native Germany, seemed eager to move on.
“Good riddance, I couldn’t wait to get out of there,” Pope Benedict said. “There is some weird shit that goes on inside, you don’t even want to know.”
Despite being in the twilight years of his accomplished life, Pope Benedict shows no signs of slowing down.
“I’m thinking of flying out to Vegas for that $100,000 tournament this summer,” the pope said. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a cash game around here with this hat and robe on all time?”